A perfectionist is someone who sets very high standards for themselves and others. With the expectation that everything they do should be flawless. Consequently, perfect in a way which is unattainable, impractical and harmful.
If you suspect you’re a perfectionist, you may recognise some of these traits in yourself. In fact this may explain why parts of your life aren’t working.
Recognising your perfectionist traits and knowing why they’re negative can set you on a path to self-improvement and a better, happier life.
The traits that indicate you may be a perfectionist
#1. Having unrealistically high standards
It’s good to have high standards, but unattainable or unrealistically high standards cause us issues.
This pursuit of high standards can permeate any part of a perfectionists life. For example painting the dining room may cause frustration because you’re never quite happy with the job you’ve done.
If it’s not perfect, you’ll feel as though you’ve failed and it won’t portray to others how you want them to perceive you – as perfect.
Another example of the harmful standard of perfection we are exposed to is social media. We see people who are living successful and perfect lives. They’re beautiful, live in a big house, have a perfect partner, great kids, job and are super happy.
However this, and the whole idea of achieving perfection is an illusion, by recognising you are striving for perfection you can amend your actions and thoughts and seek ways to have more realistic standards.
#2. Feeling down when goals aren’t achieved
Goals are a great motivator, they keep us focussed and on track. We constantly set ourselves goals and if we don’t achieve them we feel a little down, but get over it quickly.
However, for perfectionists, not achieving a goal has a mental and physical impact. Which can lead to stress or even depression, impacting on their life and the lives of those around them.
Stress in the short-term is a good motivator, however a perfectionist who attempts to achieve an unachievable goal can develop chronic stress.
Ultimately it can lead to them becoming depressed. If you recognise this in yourself, you could be a perfectionist. If you have headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, mental or physical symptoms of any kind – ask yourself if it’s because you didn’t achieve a goal.
#3. Thinking in absolutes, with no middle ground
A perfectionist may not accept anything but perfection. This is an extreme way of viewing the world and makes it hard to achieve anything.
By thinking in absolutes, we perceive ourselves and the world in an unbalanced and unhealthy way. Therapists describe this as a thinking error, and more technically as a cognitive distortion.
This all-or-nothing thinking or black and white thinking can be observed in a perfectionist. Someone who never feels like they’ve completed a task. They will not be happy with what they’ve done.
Whereas people who can compromise on standards will view what they’ve done as being complete and satisfactory. But a perfectionist will not be happy until a task is completed to their required standard. This requires perseverance and unnecessary effort, and if unachievable could lead to giving up on the task or burnout.
This can lead to frustration for the perfectionist, wasting a lot of time to get it to a standard that is exact. Anybody around them will become frustrated because they spend too much time on it or never complete it.
Life is hard for a perfectionist when they only perceive perfection or failure, with no middle ground. They lack the ability to compromise and be happy with less than perfect.
#4. Being very self-critical all of the time
Perfectionists are viewed as being high achievers, with high standards and ambition. They’re viewed as living the life that we all aspire to.
However, what we see is not the truth, we all have complicated inner lives, and perfectionists are no different. Appearing to have it altogether is an illusion, they’re often very self-critical.
With such high standards self-criticism is unavoidable, perfection is hard if not impossible to achieve, and striving for it is exhausting.
Accordingly what people don’t perceive in perfectionists is the inner critic. They may spiral into a cycle of self-criticism, feeling that nothing they do is good enough. Including their lifestyle, how they look, their achievements, job or the people around them.
Sometimes the most successful and seemingly together people are the ones struggling with self-criticism. People who focus on their imperfections and never really achieving what they strive for.
Being so self-critical can lead to low self-esteem, striving to be the best and do everything perfectly is a hard standard to keep to.
#5. Focusing on results and only the results
Things in life take time to achieve, often the most enjoyable part of achieving a goal is the process. The small goals and tasks that get you to a certain outcome.
For most of us we enjoy the process and see benefits in it. However, perfectionists are so result focused that the only enjoyment they get is when they achieve a goal.
This can leave them feeling like the whole effort is an anticlimax or ultimately a waste of effort.
Anything worth doing in life takes time, if the process is 99% of the task, not enjoying, appreciating or even acknowledging the value of the process is a wasted opportunity.
#6. Being unreasonably critical of others
Perfectionists can be unreasonably critical of themselves, but also unreasonably critical of others.
They expect such high standards of themselves that they accept nothing less from those around them. It’s difficult for a perfectionist to recognise that they do this. They’ll simply view the other person as failing if not achieving the required standards.
But in reality the perfectionist is the one who is failing, their flaw is to expect the standards they set themselves to be duplicated by everybody else. This can cause friction and upset and may push people away, or cause people to become resentful of them.
By only focusing on the flaws rather than positives of other people, perfectionists are missing out on positive relationships. Consequently they’ll surround themselves with people who aren’t necessarily genuine.
#7. Difficulty Delegating or asking for help
This also relates to being critical of others. As the only person a perfectionist thinks is capable of completing a task to their standards, is themselves.
A perfectionist puts the burden of a task solely on themselves. Instead of delegating small tasks to others and making life easier for themselves, they make their life much harder.
Consequently, they become the sole point of failure, unnecessarily putting all the stress on themselves. This can lead to burnout and mental or physical illness.
This is a common sign of a perfectionist, someone who dedicates themselves to work, overworking and neglecting other important parts of their life, such as family and friends.
A task shared is a task halved, but a perfectionist does not trust even the smallest of tasks to be delegated.
#8. Fearing failure leading to avoidance behaviours
The things we attempted in life lead to either success or failure, if we were to go for a job interview we would either get the job or not.
A perfectionist may be put off going for the job interview, because they would fear failure. Fearing failure could lead to only going for jobs they know they have a good chance of getting. This risks missing out on advancement or self-development.
This would restrict what they can do in life, if we never attempted anything in life because of the threat of failure we would still be living at home with our parents.
A perfectionist can also be a compulsive procrastinator, someone who delays or puts off doing something. Resulting in very little every being achieved by them.
Most of us procrastinate from time to time, but we’ll move on and get the task done. However a perfectionist may be unable to put an end to it, but there are techniques to overcome procrastination.
Risk is required in life and this risk will lead to a positive or negative outcome. Being afraid of failure, avoiding taking risks and not trying new things restricts how successful we can be.
Success is often the result of many failures, thus a perfectionist who doesn’t risk failure, risks achieving nothing. Making mistakes is an essential tool which successful people have mastered.
#9. Difficulty accepting criticism or feedback
To learn how to do something or become better at something whether it’s a sport or career requires feedback and constructive criticism.
This can be a challenge for all of us and it may make us feel like a failure, but taken in the right spirit it will help us improve and thrive.
However, if you’re a perfectionist this may go against your values and core principles or self-image. Doing something wrong or badly is not in your vocabulary. So any feedback may not be taken in the spirit it was intended.
A perfectionist who has a hard time accepting constructive criticism will struggle in their chosen goal, useful learning will be neglected, and any constructive criticism will be ignored or interpreted as jealousy or simply a belief that the person is wrong.
Excuses will be made to explain away the criticism. An opportunity for self-improvement will be lost and the person giving you the advice may keep it to themselves in future if they feel it caused offence.
A summary of the possible negative traits of a perfectionist:
- Damaged personal or work relationships
- Having unrealistically high standards
- Feeling down when goals aren’t achieved
- Difficulty delegating or asking for help
- Overworking, fatigue, burnout
- Striving to portray a perfect life
- Being overly self-critical and a fear of making mistakes
- Having low self-esteem and being unhappy
- Neglecting to enjoy or learn from achieving goals
- Thinking in absolutes, with no middle ground
- Portraying a perfect life through social media
- Being despondent when things aren’t going to plan
- Focusing on results and only the results
- Being unreasonably critical of others
- Fearing failure leading to avoidance behaviours
- Difficulty accepting criticism or positive feedback
Conclusion to being a perfectionist
Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive trait, however perfectionists can have numerous issues. If you suspect you’re a perfectionist, recognising these signs is the first step to becoming a healthier and happier you.
The summary of perfectionist traits above can relate to many personal flaws but they’re a handy pointer towards potentially identifying if you’re a perfectionist.
It’ll be difficult to break free of being a perfectionist. There are advantages but these are offset by the disadvantages. To become a more balanced person takes time and effort.
The strategy you choose will depend on your personal circumstances, but there’s always help available. Speak to friends and family or seek out a mental health professional.
Don’t let perfectionism hold you back, it may be a badge of honour to be a self-declared perfectionist, but is it achievable or healthy?
Make your own choice, but always seek out more knowledge, anything that can help you live a better, healthier, and happier life is worthwhile. Good luck.