Listening is a necessary skill to succeed in life. It’s not a life skill we’re taught, hence the reason the majority of us aren’t good at listening, and lack the ability to become a better listener.
To become a better listener and reap the benefits from it we need to know that – hearing is not the same as listening.
Hearing is a natural ability, whereas listening is actively paying attention to what someone is saying.
But even when we listen – are we listening?
Have you ever had a chat with someone, but recall very little of what was discussed. What have you missed in the conversation? There could have been vital information to positively benefit you.
Not listening properly is a missed opportunity. We’ll look deeper into this, the benefits of listening and tips on how we can improve our listening skills.
To become a better listener we don’t need to know theories of communication, instead we need to practice, then the benefits will become obvious.
Why become a better listener?
Personal development
You become a better version of yourself, you enhance your personal and social skill set.
Career prospects
You’ll be in a better position to recognise opportunities. Being a competent listener will give you the ability to communicate better with customers, colleagues and management.
Impact on others
You’ll be able to influence, motivate and develop people more successfully. You can better understand what people are telling you and respond accordingly, which is essential for personal and work relationships.
Enjoyable social interactions
An engaged conversation is more interesting than a passive one. Social interaction will become more pleasurable because listening leads to better conversations and the building of rapport.
When you have rapport you feel in sync, thereby having a good understanding of each other and what is being communicated.
Relationships
People will feel a deeper appreciation and liking of you, although they may not know why. You’ll have a better understanding of other people, because you engage in active listening you identify the emotion and meaning behind what they’re telling you.
Active listening means that you’re making a mental note of facts and details, which helps to build rapport, learn about people and what makes them tick.
Conflict management
We all experience conflict to some degree, in your personal life and work life. If you and your partner had a different viewpoint about something, actively listening to their them will help you engage and reduce conflict.
In the workplace different business priorities can cause conflict, recognising pressures and emotional states of colleagues assists in resolving conflict.
Being a better listener means that you also pick up on the language people use, it helps you to identify negative people. People with a degree of negativity which can bring your mood down. Understanding negative people can better help you understand these sorts of people.
“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
What makes someone a bad listener?
These are things that have annoyed us in the past, these are prime example of how not to listen:
- Not paying attention – multitasking, or being distracted by something.
- Interrupting – to make their own point.
- Steering the conversation – taking the conversation in a different direction to suit their agenda.
- Talking over you – talking when you’re talking or trying to predict what you’ll say next.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey
The right mindset to become a better listener
Engaging in a conversation with the right mindset is essential. To benefit from a conversation you have to genuinely be interested, this cannot be faked convincingly.
These are guiding principles to put yourself in the right mindset for a conversation:
- Be genuinely curious, and interested.
- Assume every conversation will have value.
- It’s an opportunity to make a connection with someone.
- Every conversation is a learning opportunity.
Tips to become a better listener
These tips will improve your conversation, but don’t disrupt the flow of conversation:
1. Keep an open mind
Engage in conversation with an open mind, avoid having pre-conceived ideas about the person, conversation, or the direction it’ll take.
Don’t let your own opinions or biases influence the conversation before it even starts.
2. The right non-verbal signals
Conversations are more than the words or the way they’re said, there are also non-verbal signals. Examples of positive non-verbal signals include:
- Facing the person – clear that they have your full attention.
- Eye contact – respectful and polite.
- Nodding – shows that you’re listening.
- Facial expressions – to emphasis that you understand the emotions being communicated.
- Being still – fidgeting can be interpreted as a sign of boredom or nervousness.
Observe their body language and non-verbal communication to build a deeper understanding of what they’re communicating, and how they feel in that moment.
“Listen with your eyes as well as your ears.”
― Graham Speechley
3. Actively recall the details
You must remember what the other person is saying to be able to follow the conversation. They may ask you your opinion, so it’s vital to mentally note what is being said so you understand and respond accordingly.
4. Repeat parts of the conversation
Essentially you want to be paraphrasing, repeating snippets of what’s being said, used correctly it:
- Shows you’re listening.
- Helps keep the conversation on track.
- Gives you time to recall, think and respond.
Priority should be given to using their words rather than your own, unless you’re sure you understand what they’re conveying.
5. Don’t rehearse the conversation
Go into the conversation with an open mind, rehearsing it will cause you to steer it in a certain direction.
When you’ve finished speaking, pause to collect your thoughts and take time to process what they’ve just said.
With the appropriate non-verbal communication they can tell that you’re thinking about and absorbing what they said.
6. Be aware of emotions
Some conversations are difficult, be aware of your and their emotions. If you’re angry with them or they’re trying to provoke a response, do the following:
- Pause to think
- Keep yourself calm
- Slow the conversation down
- Be aware of you voice – tempo, volume and tone
- Don’t overreact
- Be aware of your non-verbal communication
7. Ask questions
Questions clarify that you’re listening and aid in recall and understanding, meaning you’re more able to comprehend what is being communicated.
Ask appropriate questions, not ones which will redirect the flow of the conversation for your own benefit.
Used correctly questions will not interrupt the flow of the conversation, but will complement it.
8. Minimise distractions
A way to become a better listener is to listen completely, void of any distractions. Their only purpose in that moment, to listen. Tips to achieve this:
- Put your phone face down, no multitasking.
- Talk in an environment with little noise, or other distractions.
- Ensure there won’t be any interruptions.
- Make sure you’re fully present, no internal distractions.
9. Don’t hijack the conversation
Let them lead the conversation, let it flow naturally, don’t make it about you and your agenda.
This is not an opportunity to start talking about your experiences and emotions, this is about them, it’s actively listening to what they have to say.
10. Be aware of your limitations
When entering into conversation, check your physical and mental state. Acknowledge what state you’re in, is it the right time to have this conversation? It certainly wouldn’t be if you were exhausted or extremely busy.
There’s no harm in being honest with the person, tell them it’s not the right time for the conversation, reschedule it.
It’s important that you’re aware of your limitations when it comes to the subject matter at hand. If you’re unfamiliar with a topic about to be discussed or being discussed it’s better to be honest. Otherwise how would you keep track of the conversation.
11. Don’t make comparisons
Personal experience is a very individual thing, we experience life differently. When someone opens up to you, empathise, avoid talking about your experiences.
Example – If someone tells you their partner is cheating, don’t refer to your or other peoples experiences, these experiences will be different emotionally.
Engage with the person, it’s them you’re talking about, empathise with the right words and non-verbal signals. It’s not our place to make the conversation about us, do ask relevant questions.
12. Know when to speak
Listening is about knowing when you should talk, not waiting for your turn or interrupting.
Interrupting someone mid flow is annoying and disrespectful.
Wait for your turn, put in a short pause to ensure they’ve finished speaking, they may be contemplating what they’ve just said.
In conclusion…
To become a better listener practice these tips. Without making the conversation stilted try to introduce a tip into each new conversation, and over time you will turn this into a habit.
Improve your listening skills more rapidly by writing a summary of conversations you have, what was said? How you felt?
Treat each conversation as an exercise of self-improvement, grade yourself, identify what went well, and how you could have done better.
Becoming a better listener will make you a better communicator, enabling you to adapt how you communicate to fit the circumstance and person.
The effort you put in will be rewarded, being a great listener is an ongoing process, start now and you’ll have more satisfying, better relationships and a future full of opportunity.