The feeling of success is like a shooting star, it lights up life briefly and then fades. In contrast the feeling of failure fills the darkness, being more abundant and ever present. Feeling like a failure appears to be our default setting. It’s the darkness between the brief brilliant glow of the shooting star.
But why do I feel like a failure? This question is something we all ask ourselves, a question we struggle to answer.
Here we look at 5 common reasons why we feel like a failure and simple solutions.
Which will help us better deal with feelings of failure and appreciate that there’s often little truth behind these feelings.
1. Failure Absorbs Our Focus, Success is Forgotten
We have a tendency to think about negative rather than positive things. Consequently, this human condition means that we quickly forget our successes and focus on our perceived failings.
I’m sure we can all relate to this. For example, after a game of Badminton I’ll gloss over all the many good shots and focus and ruminate on the bad ones. This also applies to bigger successes in my life, such as getting a job. The accomplishment is soon overshadowed by the feelings of failure.
There’s a simple solution to this, we need to focus more on our successes. Which are more prevalent than you think. It doesn’t have to be a big success, it can be any success.
Identify three things you’ve succeeded at today, such as helping your kids with homework, finishing a work project or spending a pleasant evening with your partner.
Regularly practicing this helps us to create a great habit, a habit which will teach our brain to focus more on our successes, instead of our perceived failures.
2. Making Unfair Comparisons Between Yourself and Others
The world we live in is hyper connected, with social media we are inundated with how well others are doing in life. The big car, beautiful partner, big house and exotic holidays.
This causes us to make unfair comparisons between ourselves and others. Which is understandable as we’re exposed to seemingly great, successful lives.
I used to be a big user of social media, but I realised people only posted the positive aspects of their lives. I was exposed to an untrue representation of how people were really living. What I was not seeing was the hard work, debt and stress which allowed them to live how they were.
This and other reasons helped me realise that making comparison with other people isn’t helpful, and most of the time the comparisons are unfair ones.
It’s not ideal to compare ourselves to others because we all have a different start in life, different ambitions, responsibilities and priorities.
By being aware that comparisons make you feel like a failure, reflecting on them and questioning their validity, you can reduce the negative feelings they cause. You have the power to end the cycle of negative comparisons.
3. Having Unrealistic Expectations of What Success is
We set ourselves unrealistic expectations which are improbable or unattainable. These expectations can be formed from our perception of what success is.
Why we feel like a failure has a lot to do with this, we focus on those people who are successful and believe that their success was achieved with ease.
However, what we neglect to take into account is that their success was achieved through years of struggle.
Some people do become very successful and wealthy over a short period of time. But this if often the exception to the rule.
So, disregard this unhealthy view of success and instead set realistic and attainable goals. Identify what success means to you and don’t be coerced into simply desiring what others have.
Discover what will make you happy, then strive to make it happen.
4. Suffering from Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome
Having self-doubt about ourselves is underestimating our own competence. You may doubt yourself, but others see only success and may even feel jealous of your abilities.
Think of situation you were involved in which had a successful outcome. Then reflect on how you felt afterwards, even though you did a good job you may feel like you didn’t contribute much.
I’ve certainly felt like this, when I’ve been part of a work project which has had a very successful outcome I’ve doubted my contribution. When in reality others have been impressed by my efforts.
This is essentially what imposter syndrome is, when we believe that our success is not a true reflection of our abilities.
This might be why you feel like a failure, but there are simple things you can do. Accept that feeling self-doubt is a normal part of the human condition, which isn’t unique to you.
The majority of the human race will have the same negative feelings toward themselves. Accept that your success is your own doing, you achieved it. Yes, luck and circumstance do have a role, but they have the same role for everybody.
5. Feeling like You’re Not Making Progress in Life
You may be at a point in your life when you feel like your job, personal life or social life has become stagnant. This could cause you to believe you’re failing in life.
There’ll be times in your life when things do become quiet, you fall into set routines and become bored.
This is common with regards to work, we progress until things seem to just faulter and stop. This is the nature with careers, there’s competition for the top jobs so not everybody can progress.
When we get to the point in life when there is no progress we may well ask, why do I feel like a failure? A question which you ruminate over, reflecting on the unfairness of life.
However, you have control over how you feel. For example, you may be at a point in your career when you can go no further. There are things you can do, you can either accept it or look at all the positives of your current situation such as financial security.
Alternatively, you can make a change, look at other jobs or seek other ways to progress, either making a lateral move within the company or upskill to progress further.
This feeling of failure is a great opportunity to reassess your life, your goals, relationships, and what it is you want in life. Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it just means that you need to alter your approach or mindset.
Feeling like a failure is experienced by all of us. Unfortunately, it eclipses our successes and our attempts at living a positive life.
Here we looked at 5 common reasons why we feel like a failure. We discovered that our successes are overshadowed because we perceive ourselves as failing in life.
Then we identified that we make unfair comparisons. Because we compare ourselves to successful people without considering how they became successful or whether it’s the sort of success which would make us happy.
Comparisons which make us feel like a failure. This and unrealistic expectations of what success is, leads us to view our own achievements as inadequate.
We also feel like a failure because of the self-doubt we have in ourselves, and that we feel we are imposters, doubting our own abilities.
Finally, our progress in life can stagnate, this lack of progress makes us feel like we’re failing, because naturally we desire personal growth.
With a different perspective and the right mindset, we can reduce the impact of these common reasons for feeling like a failure. To move beyond these negative feelings and achieve the personal growth which is essential for a happy life.