When I was 20, I dreaded turning 30. In my 30s, I worried about turning 40. Now in my 40s, I don’t dread turning 50.
Yes, I worry about illness and injury as I age, so I work on eating right and staying fit.
However, something was missing in my life. I felt lethargic and unmotivated. After a lot of reflection, I understood the missing element in life to be my state of mind.
I was nearing 50 and had adopted the limitations put on me by society and, more importantly, the midlife limitations I’d placed on myself. So, I decided to test the assumptions and, at 46, completed my first Half Ironman.
This opened a new world to me and altered my perception of age, the winner of the Half Ironman was in the over 50 category. That made me realise that it’s often us who limit what we achieve.
So, the good news is that many of our limitations are largely our own doing, which means we can challenge them.
In this post, we’ll explore why we stop doing things in midlife, what it costs us, and most importantly, how we can start feeling alive, curious, and engaged with life again.
Question
What have you stopped doing since turning 40 that you used to enjoy?
Part 1: Why We Stop Doing Things in Midlife
Expectations We Face
There have always been unwritten rules about how people should act at certain ages. These societal norms have become less restrictive over time, but many still exist.
Some activities are assumed to belong to younger people. Learning is one of them. In midlife we learn out of necessity, for example work, but we stop learning for pleasure or personal development.
Once we finish formal education, it can be the end of learning. Which is wrong, because we live in a world with limitless opportunities to learn. I’ve always had an interest in therapy, so I completed diplomas in hypnosis and cognitive behavioural therapy in my 40s.
There’s also pressure to be sensible and responsible. Along with the fear of looking foolish, all of which can limit our actions.
Making mistakes can feel like something younger people should be doing, not those of us in midlife. But mistakes are important for learning, developing as human beings, and finding happiness.
Mistakes may not seem positive, but they demonstrate we’re stretching ourselves and moving beyond our comfort zone.
Comfort Becomes the Norm
We have comfort zones because they give us a chance to recuperate and relax, so they can be useful. But living permanently in our comfort zone restricts us.
Our lives can become a series of routines, safe spaces, predictability, and comfort. Shaking things up now and again is one way to break these patterns.
Living like this can become tedious, and before you’re aware of it, life has passed you by.
Responsibilities Take Priority
When we have busy lives, careers, families, and financial responsibilities, we can stop exploring the world and all it has to offer.
This is natural. Responsibilities come first, and without priorities, we neglect the important things in life.
But, as with everything, there needs to be a balance between responsibilities and remaining excited about life.
We Create Our Own Limitations
This may be something you’ve not thought about. But I’m aware of my own limitations through studying CBT, identifying how I think and react to things.
We tell ourselves stories based on stereotypes, such as: “I’m 50, I must act my age,” or “I’m too old to learn something new.”
Our limitations can also develop from regrets and false starts. You may have tried something and failed, which created regret. That regret can then damage progress later in life.
We find many ways to limit ourselves, but it is much more challenging to find ways to expand ourselves.
Question
Identify some of your limitations. Are they true or false?
Part 2: The Cost We Pay When We Stop Doing Things in Midlife
Missed Opportunities
Once we settle into everyday life, create routines, and become busy doing day-to-day things, we can neglect opportunities to grow.
Whatever the reason, when we don’t make the effort, we miss out on adventure, new skills, or meeting new people.
This reduces our interest in life and can create boredom and a lack of enthusiasm.
Confidence Stagnation
Doing the same thing every day reduces your opportunities to build confidence.
For example, staying in your comfort zone means you are not stretching yourself, and your confidence can plateau or even reduce.
A lack of stimulus can create lethargy, and not feeling as though you are growing or progressing in life can create a negative cycle.
This is undoubtedly the case if it leads to avoidance. Something you may have done in the past without hesitation, may now be something you avoid.
Fewer Interesting Stories
Imagine living your life and doing the same thing year after year. You’ll not create new and exciting memories, meaning you will have fewer interesting stories to talk about.
This, in turn, can make you feel like you’re not taking an active role in life. Memorable moments are important because they validate who we are, and demonstrate the growth that we achieve.
Think of a time when you created a memorable experience and how you felt at the time. Probably a good feeling. But then consider how long ago it was since you had that memory.
If it was years ago, it’s time to create more memorable moments.
Regrets Accumulate
Life will be full of regrets. They often involve choices made and paths not taken. But to try, and fail, is better than not trying at all.
Failure is an action. Regret often involves inaction. This is often the type of regret you ruminate about.
Living in a Smaller World
As we age, reducing our new experiences and interactions with new people can reduce the world we live in.
While others seem to prosper and do exciting things, we can feel like life has become stagnant.
Our experience of the world can shrink. This is especially true with the number of people in midlife working from home. Even workplace interactions have been withdrawn.
Reflection
Think back to an inaction which has created lasting regret.
Part 3: How to Reverse Midlife Stagnation
The good news is that we live in a world abundant with information. Providing you the opportunity to identify interesting things to do or providing ways to meet new people.
But first, it’s important to work on you. How you think about yourself and your supposed limitations. To work through your limiting beliefs and challenge them.
Challenge Your Assumptions
Commonly held stereotypes about age can be challenged and overcome. Do this by finding evidence that contradicts your beliefs.
I doubted whether I could or should carry on with formal education, worrying that I no longer had the ability and that learning was for young people. But when I realised that people have gained degrees in their 90s, I started to think differently about education.
It turned my belief that education is for young people into the belief that it should be a lifelong pursuit.
Think Big, Start Small
Why should you limit your imagination, the things you can do, and the adventures you can have? Think big, but start small.
You may want to travel the world in a camper van. Great, but that’s probably not practical straight away. So, try out a camper van for a weekend and build up from there.
Personal change is your aim. It can be tiny and low risk. But persevere and build momentum and you’ll accumulate many little changes.
Which ultimately create great change, before you know it, life is back on track.
Revisit Past Interests
This is straightforward. If you used to go hiking, start hiking again. If you loved art, start painting.
Rekindle old interests. You may find that you stopped for a reason, or it may be the tiny change that ignites a renewed interest.
This can even lead you down a different path. I used to love mountain biking, so I revisited cycling, and after a bit of tinkering, found that I now love gravel cycling rather than mountain biking.
Seek Out Discomfort
This doesn’t need to be big discomfort. It can be something small. If you want to try the free weights in your gym but find it intimidating, start small. Do a few bicep curls with a low weight.
Small risks build your confidence. By progressively taking small risks, you will progress much more than taking one big risk.
Which can have negative consequences if it goes wrong, from destroying your confidence to avoiding activities.
Discomfort is a sign of progress. Your brain wants to keep you safe, so it tries to make you avoid new things by making you feel uncomfortable.
Create Purpose in Life
All of us use excuses to avoid something. Things like being busy, scared, or waiting for the right time.
This is why it’s useful to commit and have a purpose. Something to aim for. To invigorate my life, I created a bucket list of “50 things to do before 50”. This provided me with the impetus to get up and get on with it.
I had a purpose. Something which clearly had an outcome. Purpose is important, but as with everything in life, it’s the journey that really matters.
So, create yourself a challenge. It can be anything but make it personal. Something that’ll inspire you or at least have some personal benefit.
Conclusion: Your Midlife Can Be Full of Excitement and Growth
When you think you can’t, you probably can. But you may have excuses or beliefs that get in the way.
Yes, we must be practical. You probably won’t be breaking Olympic records or going to the moon.
So, make it achievable, but challenging enough that it feels a little uncomfortable.
Midlife shouldn’t be something that limits us. Instead, it should be seen as an advantage. In midlife, we tend to be financially secure and more comfortable in our own skin.
Our limitations often exist because of the way we think about ourselves and how we experience the world.
Imagine if you had no limiting beliefs and the social world only wanted you to prosper. The world would be a place of excitement and endless possibilities.
Final Question
What’s one thing you can do now to disprove your negative beliefs about midlife?